Kill Me Softly

It's been over a year since I moved, and a few months since my last post. So many things have happened and changed that I don't know exactly where to start. First of all, happy late thanksgiving to everyone, and I hope you had a pleasant day with your families and friends. I went to my Aunt Wanda's house for dinner, just like last year, and all in all I had a good time with everyone. I was able to see my boyfriend a couple days this vacation, and I hung out with a couple friends, too. In all, it was an okay break until a couple days ago. A good friend of mine called me from Maine. She's been having a hard time lately, and I've worried myself to tears over her. She told me that the previous night, she had broken down because of me. I caused her so much pain that she was forced to tears. Her troubles were my fault. That was Saturday, and I still haven't been able to let that go. Especially after my mother's latest 'pep talk', telling me I have no motivation or care for anything or anyone anymore, and how tired she is of me, but I've just rid myself of the horrible mood everything's left me in for the time being, so that's enough of that.
On a lighter and happier note, I was able to see my wonderful boyfriend for a couple of days this vacation. He's the only one who can lift my mood for real these days. I try my hardest to pretend, but sometimes I just can't. I don't have to pretend for him. Just last night, I lied in my bed and stared at the ceiling, hurting so much that I wished I'd just die to escape it. But then I realized, in doing so, I'd also escape the one person that brings me true happiness, and I'd be abandoning him.

Thank you for listening.

My god, man.

I got excited over nothing. All you people laughing at me out there, shut up. The last episode of the season is an OVA and I feel like an imbecile. -.-

One Hell Of An Emotional Roller Coaster

Okay, so I'm watching Black Butler like the petty fangirl I am, and it's what I thought to be the last episode. So the part comes when Sebastian is seemingly about to take Ciel's soul, and all throughout this episode I'm crying and clutching my pillow in emotional agony, and Sebby says and I quote:

"And now, master..."

My god my heart exploded in my chest when the credits started rolling. I sang that fricking ending song like it was my own lament of pure and undying sorrow. So it ends, and I'm preparing to throw the remote at the screen and hide under the covers until I fall asleep. But then it says:

"Black Butler

S1: E25 - His Butler, Performer"

HOLY FFFFFFFFFFFFLIPPING ACROBATS THERE'S ANOTHER EPISODE

I am not kidding, I screamed and the tears started flowing anew. I have yet to watch it, as this whole affair began only 5 minutes ago. I'm still having minor heart palpitations.

I apologize to those of you who have absolutely no idea what I'm blabbering about. No really. I'm sorry you haven't seen this anime yet.

Audition

School is starting this Wednesday, and I'm completely stressed out. Not only for having to meet all the new people and teachers, but for the realization that I might have to audition for the chorus that I've gone and signed up for. I'm terrified, because I know if I don't get in, that means a new class in which I'll have to be that awkward person who suddenly shows up after the first day. Not to mention the fact that getting in is really important to me. I don't think I'll have to though, not without being told first. Maybe on the first day, they'll let us know and have it the next day. That would be better.
The new dress code is kind of silly, too. Although I know they have everyone's best interest in mind, I think this is a bit much. All shorts and dresses have to be to the top of the knee. See, I'm really tall, and my legs make up a lot of that. It's going to be hard to find the right length for shorts to be at the top of my knee. Maybe they won't be so strict on me if I explain it to them. There are guys I know over six feet tall, and when they wear those guy's Bermuda shorts, they're a few inches above their knees. Maybe I can get away with wearing a pair of those. They can get expensive, but at Wal-Mart they have some at around $5. At least, I hope they have some at ours.
I drew this for my school folder:

It's Yuki Cross from Vampire Knight, my old favorite anime. :) This is the best drawing I've done, and the only one I'm really proud of. I found a picture of Yuki on the Internet that I really liked, but I couldn't really print it. So I decided to try and draw it, and this is what happened. 

Wide Eyes

Why can't the world see like us?
Live and breathe and be free like us?
Instead they chain themselves to their beliefs
As a reason to hate and spread their disease.

Why can't the world love like us?
Feel and touch and just be like us?
Because they were taught to discriminate,
To force others to spread blind hate.

Sometimes I wish I could escape
And never again revisit this place.
This place of pain, this place of desire,
Of burning souls with dying fires.

Night

This week marks the week my parents are making me wake up early. No, I haven't slept yet, even though it's 4:10 am on Tuesday morning. I'm listening to Bad Girls Club by Falling In Reverse, one of the most amusing songs I've ever heard. Lucky for me, because I'm having a bad night. That cheered me up some. Depression really is a bitch, isn't it? I feel like I have a gaping hole in my chest. Night is the only time I feel the slightest relief, because when I'm alone I don't have to hide anything. When my parents are around, or other family members, I put on my mask and pretend everything's okay. The only person I've ever really confided in is my very best friend, the only one I want to spend the rest of my life with, the only person I've ever loved, and the only human being who's ever seen my dark side and still loved me for the monster I am.
I can't help but wonder what it would be like to die. Is there really a Heaven, or a Hell? Or is there nothingness and silence for eternity? Everyone dies, so I suppose I'll find out eventually. Until then, I'm just going to focus on what I can do with the time in between. In a world like the one we have now, everything is a struggle and it's easy to give up. I've almost slipped up a few times myself, and I never forgive myself for that. For being weak.
Sorry this post is a little short, if you even care, I just don't have much to say today.

Who Am I?

I feel like I've changed so much these past months. I just don't really feel the same, and when I look back, there are many differences between who I was and who I am now. I think it's because of all the time I've spent by myself, really learning how I behave when I'm not influenced by anyone else around me. It's kind of strange, realizing how much someone can change in such a short amount of time. My friends have definitely noticed. They tell me I don't sound as crazy and happy as I used to all the time. It's not normal for me, they say.
Have you ever wondered why or how people change? Why, if something terrible or enlightening should happen to them, that experience could change their whole disposition? I find the inner workings of the human mind to be fascinating, and I think I want to study psychology when I get to college. Maybe I can be a psychiatrist, even work in a hospital for the mentally ill. That would be my dream job, other than singing for a living.
I don't think I've ever mentioned that before, and if I have I apologize. I've always wanted to be a singer, ever since I first heard Bring Me To Life by Evanescence for the first time back when it came it out. 2003? About a decade ago. I was five years old, maybe six, and since then I've been practicing and practicing so that I could be half as good as Amy Lee is. Of course, we never had the money for professional lessons, so I've had to teach myself and get free tips from the Internet. I don't mind, though, because I have fun training every day. I never get tired of it, and people say I'm getting pretty good, so I figure I should keep up whatever it is I'm doing right. I'm going to be in the chorus at school this year, so that should be good practice, too. It's practically professional lessons, AND it takes up a whole period during school that could've been for something...ahem...'less interesting'.
I really enjoy writing these blogs, and I think during the school year I'm going to start writing one every day. It seems like a fun way to pass the time after school. After all, I don't have friends to hang out with all the time, so I need a good time consumer. I'm going to try to hold myself to this, because I have a tendency to forget to keep promises.