Kill Me Softly

It's been over a year since I moved, and a few months since my last post. So many things have happened and changed that I don't know exactly where to start. First of all, happy late thanksgiving to everyone, and I hope you had a pleasant day with your families and friends. I went to my Aunt Wanda's house for dinner, just like last year, and all in all I had a good time with everyone. I was able to see my boyfriend a couple days this vacation, and I hung out with a couple friends, too. In all, it was an okay break until a couple days ago. A good friend of mine called me from Maine. She's been having a hard time lately, and I've worried myself to tears over her. She told me that the previous night, she had broken down because of me. I caused her so much pain that she was forced to tears. Her troubles were my fault. That was Saturday, and I still haven't been able to let that go. Especially after my mother's latest 'pep talk', telling me I have no motivation or care for anything or anyone anymore, and how tired she is of me, but I've just rid myself of the horrible mood everything's left me in for the time being, so that's enough of that.
On a lighter and happier note, I was able to see my wonderful boyfriend for a couple of days this vacation. He's the only one who can lift my mood for real these days. I try my hardest to pretend, but sometimes I just can't. I don't have to pretend for him. Just last night, I lied in my bed and stared at the ceiling, hurting so much that I wished I'd just die to escape it. But then I realized, in doing so, I'd also escape the one person that brings me true happiness, and I'd be abandoning him.

Thank you for listening.

My god, man.

I got excited over nothing. All you people laughing at me out there, shut up. The last episode of the season is an OVA and I feel like an imbecile. -.-

One Hell Of An Emotional Roller Coaster

Okay, so I'm watching Black Butler like the petty fangirl I am, and it's what I thought to be the last episode. So the part comes when Sebastian is seemingly about to take Ciel's soul, and all throughout this episode I'm crying and clutching my pillow in emotional agony, and Sebby says and I quote:

"And now, master..."

My god my heart exploded in my chest when the credits started rolling. I sang that fricking ending song like it was my own lament of pure and undying sorrow. So it ends, and I'm preparing to throw the remote at the screen and hide under the covers until I fall asleep. But then it says:

"Black Butler

S1: E25 - His Butler, Performer"

HOLY FFFFFFFFFFFFLIPPING ACROBATS THERE'S ANOTHER EPISODE

I am not kidding, I screamed and the tears started flowing anew. I have yet to watch it, as this whole affair began only 5 minutes ago. I'm still having minor heart palpitations.

I apologize to those of you who have absolutely no idea what I'm blabbering about. No really. I'm sorry you haven't seen this anime yet.

Audition

School is starting this Wednesday, and I'm completely stressed out. Not only for having to meet all the new people and teachers, but for the realization that I might have to audition for the chorus that I've gone and signed up for. I'm terrified, because I know if I don't get in, that means a new class in which I'll have to be that awkward person who suddenly shows up after the first day. Not to mention the fact that getting in is really important to me. I don't think I'll have to though, not without being told first. Maybe on the first day, they'll let us know and have it the next day. That would be better.
The new dress code is kind of silly, too. Although I know they have everyone's best interest in mind, I think this is a bit much. All shorts and dresses have to be to the top of the knee. See, I'm really tall, and my legs make up a lot of that. It's going to be hard to find the right length for shorts to be at the top of my knee. Maybe they won't be so strict on me if I explain it to them. There are guys I know over six feet tall, and when they wear those guy's Bermuda shorts, they're a few inches above their knees. Maybe I can get away with wearing a pair of those. They can get expensive, but at Wal-Mart they have some at around $5. At least, I hope they have some at ours.
I drew this for my school folder:

It's Yuki Cross from Vampire Knight, my old favorite anime. :) This is the best drawing I've done, and the only one I'm really proud of. I found a picture of Yuki on the Internet that I really liked, but I couldn't really print it. So I decided to try and draw it, and this is what happened. 

Wide Eyes

Why can't the world see like us?
Live and breathe and be free like us?
Instead they chain themselves to their beliefs
As a reason to hate and spread their disease.

Why can't the world love like us?
Feel and touch and just be like us?
Because they were taught to discriminate,
To force others to spread blind hate.

Sometimes I wish I could escape
And never again revisit this place.
This place of pain, this place of desire,
Of burning souls with dying fires.

Night

This week marks the week my parents are making me wake up early. No, I haven't slept yet, even though it's 4:10 am on Tuesday morning. I'm listening to Bad Girls Club by Falling In Reverse, one of the most amusing songs I've ever heard. Lucky for me, because I'm having a bad night. That cheered me up some. Depression really is a bitch, isn't it? I feel like I have a gaping hole in my chest. Night is the only time I feel the slightest relief, because when I'm alone I don't have to hide anything. When my parents are around, or other family members, I put on my mask and pretend everything's okay. The only person I've ever really confided in is my very best friend, the only one I want to spend the rest of my life with, the only person I've ever loved, and the only human being who's ever seen my dark side and still loved me for the monster I am.
I can't help but wonder what it would be like to die. Is there really a Heaven, or a Hell? Or is there nothingness and silence for eternity? Everyone dies, so I suppose I'll find out eventually. Until then, I'm just going to focus on what I can do with the time in between. In a world like the one we have now, everything is a struggle and it's easy to give up. I've almost slipped up a few times myself, and I never forgive myself for that. For being weak.
Sorry this post is a little short, if you even care, I just don't have much to say today.

Who Am I?

I feel like I've changed so much these past months. I just don't really feel the same, and when I look back, there are many differences between who I was and who I am now. I think it's because of all the time I've spent by myself, really learning how I behave when I'm not influenced by anyone else around me. It's kind of strange, realizing how much someone can change in such a short amount of time. My friends have definitely noticed. They tell me I don't sound as crazy and happy as I used to all the time. It's not normal for me, they say.
Have you ever wondered why or how people change? Why, if something terrible or enlightening should happen to them, that experience could change their whole disposition? I find the inner workings of the human mind to be fascinating, and I think I want to study psychology when I get to college. Maybe I can be a psychiatrist, even work in a hospital for the mentally ill. That would be my dream job, other than singing for a living.
I don't think I've ever mentioned that before, and if I have I apologize. I've always wanted to be a singer, ever since I first heard Bring Me To Life by Evanescence for the first time back when it came it out. 2003? About a decade ago. I was five years old, maybe six, and since then I've been practicing and practicing so that I could be half as good as Amy Lee is. Of course, we never had the money for professional lessons, so I've had to teach myself and get free tips from the Internet. I don't mind, though, because I have fun training every day. I never get tired of it, and people say I'm getting pretty good, so I figure I should keep up whatever it is I'm doing right. I'm going to be in the chorus at school this year, so that should be good practice, too. It's practically professional lessons, AND it takes up a whole period during school that could've been for something...ahem...'less interesting'.
I really enjoy writing these blogs, and I think during the school year I'm going to start writing one every day. It seems like a fun way to pass the time after school. After all, I don't have friends to hang out with all the time, so I need a good time consumer. I'm going to try to hold myself to this, because I have a tendency to forget to keep promises.

Lune

Before I attempt sleep, I just wanted to add that I might start posting artwork on this blog. I know no one probably reads this regularly, but I thought I'd just put it out there. Seems like something fun to do for once. I have one, actually, that I can post now.

There's actually a little story behind this one. See, a Luna Moth fell into my dog's water dish one night. My uncle and my dad helped him out, but I didn't want to leave him until his wings dried. The dog kept trying to eat him, so I let him perch on my finger for a while. I decided to name him Lune, and while he was around I got a couple pictures of him. He was really beautiful. My drawing definitely doesn't do him justice. Sorry if it's blurry, I had to take a picture of it with my iPad. The camera isn't the best, so I had to edit the crap out of it so that you could see the colors correctly. I hope you like it.

Bored and Lonely

I'd given up on posting for a while, because first of all, I couldn't sign in for a long time. Turns out I was using the wrong email. Second of all, absolutely nothing interesting has happened that's worth telling.

School's about to start up, and I feel like I'm going to throw up every time I think about it. My social anxiety never fails to get the best of me. I wish I could be okay with going to school, and I wish I could be comfortable there, but I just can't. I don't feel safe like I used to. I know it's probably to do with it still being a new place for me, but it just doesn't feel right. Nothing feels right anymore.
I haven't been able to sleep right, lately. Every time I try, thoughts start shooting through my brain like bullets. Memories; things I don't want to remember, things I wish I could relive, mistakes, misfortunes, all the things wrong with me, I just can't even hope to sleep with all that running through my head. As I write this, it's 4: 20 am, and I haven't gotten even a wink of sleep.
I've been having nightmares, too, as if losing sleep every night isn't enough. It's always the same thing. I'm being chased down a dark, unending corridor by someone or something. I can never see it's face, if it even has one, but I know that it's human. It makes me uneasy just writing about it.
I'm getting my learner's permit this week. I can't say I'm not excited, but I'm also very terrified. My father has allowed me to drive only down our dirt road so far, and I've found that I'm not particularly talented when it comes to getting behind the wheel. But on the bright side, I'll have a whole year to practice before I can get my license. Even though I'm turning 16 this year, in Georgia you have to have your permit a whole year and a day before you can get your license.
I've been having some emotional issues lately. Now, I know no one really takes the time to read through this shit, so don't think I'm looking for attention or pity. I don't want that from anyone. I've been hurting really bad recently, and I can't exactly figure out why. It feels like my chest is full of liquid and I'm constantly drowning in it. I want help, and I know I need it, but I don't know how to ask for it. I can't just waltz up to my mom and say "Hey, mom! I'm depressed!" Last time my feelings were exposed, I was sent to a therapist right away. She didn't even try to talk to me herself, and I really don't want to have to reacquaint myself with a stranger every time I'm feeling bad. 
Well, I think that's enough whining for the night.  I just wanted to write something down, now that I was able to log on for the first time in a couple months, I think. Goodnight, whoever took the time to read this crappy post.

Swing, Swing

Not much has happened since my last post. I can't say life has been completely empty, but boring, definitely. Every weekday, we go to the lunch bus at 11:45 am. We leave around 12:10-12:20 am, and then either swim in my cousin's pool or go home, depending on the weather. On the weekends, it's usually quiet. On Saturday my cousins sleep over, and then Sunday is just a lazy day. We complete this incessant cycle over and over again.
Something special did happen this past weekend, however. I met a good friend. Her name was Kirsten, and she was amazing. Kind, funny, energetic...we stayed up all night together watching movies, playing video games, and talking about everything. It was like we had known each other forever, and I realized just how much I had missed that feeling. The next day, after waking up at 2:45 pm, I spent the night with her. We handmade three big pizzas; one shaped like Italy, one shaped like Japan, and one shaped like the Earth. I had a great time. When we were ready for bed, we both slept on the couches in the living room, aka the most comfortable couches I had ever felt in my life. It was better than my own bed. Of course, Kirsten was just visiting and had to return home. I miss her, but she said the next time she visited we'd spend more time together. I look forward to that.
For the 4th of July, we're going up to the high school to watch the fireworks with the family. My friend Faith will also be attending, so I'll get to see her, too. I hope I'll get to greet some of my other friends as well. From what I've heard, it'll be quite the event. I'm definitely looking forward to it.
Life is kind of like a never-ceasing swing. From highs to lows, it'll never stop, so it's best to just keep swinging along with it. That's what I've learned from my experience so far. Maybe if I just keep swinging, I can keep getting higher. All I want is to live freely and die with a smile on my lips. Is that too much to ask?

Miserable At Best

I miss everyone from Maine, even people I didn't like. I feel the deepest sadness when I think about how I'll never get to see them graduate. I spent my entire school career with all these amazing kids, and now I won't get to finish it with them. But soon, I'm traveling up to Maine to visit, so I can see all my friends, my family. I love them so much, and being so far away is the worst feeling. We'll go to the library like we always used to. We'll have a party, like a reunion. I'll make a CD full of songs we love, and we'll scream to it on the highest volume possible. Just like we used to. Friendship, to me, is one of the most valuable things that ever existed. It creates a birthing place for love and warmth, and it encourages you to do things you've never done before. It makes life brighter, more hopeful. Friendship can support you through every hardship you'll ever face, if you'll let it. It gave me a reason to live, and every day I look back on all the memories we shared and think to myself, "Where would I be if not for the people who made life itself possible?"

Untitled

Let's make this short- I'm a first-time blogger without any idea what I'm doing.

There. Prepare for the worst.

I recently moved with my family from Auburn, Maine to Waynesville, GA. I had lived my whole life up north, hardly ever leaving the state in all the fifteen or so years I made my life there. All my friends, the bridges built and burnt, and everything I ever really knew can now only be described as a fond memory. For all of you reading this (if anyone) I did not make this blog to whine about how much it sucks to move away from your hometown. I created this blog to serve as a diary of sorts. So, if you don't want to listen, don't read on.

Maine was beautiful. It wasn't densely populated on any scale, which I liked. If you wanted to walk somewhere, you didn't have to worry about being surrounded by people. There were places to go where you could be alone in peace. Rivers, beaches, forests, mountains, etc. Everything about it was perfect for me. I loved my home and (almost) everyone in it. I had many friends who loved me and supported me, and I did the same for them. 

When I was told we were going to move to Georgia, it was the beginning of my freshman year at Edward Little High School. For me, it was the beginning of life in Hell. Not because of the work, but because I knew what the other kids thought of me. They had known me my whole life, but all they knew me for were my faults. I had my friends, though. They've helped me through so much these past nine years. If any of you are reading this, thank you for allowing me to live freely and be myself. It means more than you could ever imagine.
All of my friends seemed to take the move pretty hard. It didn't really hit me until the day we left. One of my best friends had slept over that night, so her parents had to say goodbye as well. We stood and held each other for a while. Then, I stood and watched as she drove away. That was the moment I discovered how it felt to be completely alone. Without the strength to hold it in any longer, the tears poured from me like water from a bottomless pitcher. It seemed to go on forever, even when it stopped. When I had myself under control, I climbed into the moving truck with my uncle, who had come up from Georgia to help us with the move. My parents took our dog, cat, and two birds with them in the car. As we pulled away from the curb, I felt like I was pulling away from myself, starting all over again with a new life. It was time to be finished with the childish idea of forever. There is no forever, because life is filled with new beginnings.